I want to kill myself more and more everyday.
I don’t know if it’s the meds that my doctor keeps fucking changing but I can’t stand it right now. My OCD is so much worse than usual. Maybe the Zoloft was working? Why did she fucking change it? I think I cut not just because I like the sight of the blood and the wound at first but also because I really enjoy cleaning it and picking at it and wrapping it up and using antiseptics.
Picking’s become my muse. It’s my worst OCD and it’s one of the things that I can just sit down for hours and do non-stop until my hand starts cramping up and I switch to the other hand.
If I could have a wish specificly in the shower it would be that I were rich enough to afford a new wash cloth and towel everytime I take a shower. I never feel clean anymore.
My room makes me feel depressed again. I think it might just be that everything is off of the walls at the moment but I can’t really tell. And the ground and the walls are so dirty I just want to scrub them down with alcohol and soap 20 times over until every thing is cleaner than ‘heaven,’ or at least what the place is perceved as.
Today when I was getting out of the shower I started crying because the bath mat was dirty and i didn’t want to step on it but I knew I had to and I hated it and I didn’t have clean socks. I never want my feet uncovered unless it’s outside in the grass or they feel contaminated.
I want to rip my skin off right now.
I always feel so fat if there was a knife sharp enough that I could get a hold of I’d probably try to cut off all of the fat on my body. I hate my body, and my skin. Why did I have to be like this? I don’t know what to do.
I can’t stop washing my hands today either. This hasn’t been a problem for me in the past. Is my brain going to explode? How dirty is this keyboard right now. I can almost see the germs crawling out of it.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN MY HEAD. I WISH I WERE DEAD, WHY IS THIS SO UNFAIR?
Is the suicidal(ness?) just the OCD/[and or depression]?
I cannot put into words how much I fucking love you.
(Source: chinacat-sunflower, via kevinscoolerthanyou)
